Ok, this does not happen often…But there are times that I mention to people that I am Aspergers, and get the reply back “oh no Adrian, You can not be! you are running your own business / too smart / do not show any signs of being Autistic ” ( or do not look autistic! )
Those that have said this to me will not see this, as they are not on my facebook list nor do they know about my Blog here…But I feel the need to “air” this!
Now this really does get to me for a number of reasons :-
* People ONLY EVER see me in my “Can Do Mode!” its only Hilary and my Kids that see the messed up state I can be in, and a few times my Mum has seen this, though mostly she has only seen it when I can not cope with the noise of a place, and im just eating / drinking fast and making for the door! In general and certainly in work I have learnt how to “hide” and not show what really if often going though my head and how I really feel…
* VERY few people see me when I simply just do not want to function, when I am very quite, often on my own upstairs keeping out of the way of everything, Or if im out visiting people / places, then im just more than usually quite its THEN that I am having problems, and it is far easier and better that I am quite and keeping myself to myself….the fallout could be quite bad…
* Only My wife and kids see me when I simply can NOT function, when all I can do is be in bed…Everything is too much to deal with, Sometimes also with a migraine ( lovely )…Though this did happen one 28th December at a family get together ..
And the above really is just scratching the surface of why this upsets and gets me angry when this is said either to me or about my children or anyone who is Autistic, It seems to a few people that if you look “ok” and are seeming to “get along” with the world at large that there is nothing major up with you.
With the exception of Hilary ( and even then im sure I still hide some of my pain/problems etc from her ) People are blissfully unaware how incredibly hard I personally work at hiding my Aspergers ( I know I should not really ), And slowly I am coming to the option that maybe just maybe it is just too much effort, maybe only wear this mask when at work, and when “off” duty be just that…Thing is im sure that would raise more than 1 or 2 eyebrows!!
Autism and Aspergers is obviously still a mystery to some people ( even those that the state “deems” qualified ) , And I can only hope that with the ever increasing Autism awareness , that maybe..just maybe things will change for the better…
Here is hoping